I propose the definition of a new word.
Super Single [soo-per sing-guh
l] -gles, noun
An individual incapable of having a serious relationship.
That girl has such bad luck with men, she must be a super single.
This term came about from studying relationships throughout the years. I started to notice I had some friends who had no clue whether or not a boyfriend/girlfriend was going to work out. Somehow I could always tell and so I started to formulate this theory.
Everyone knows a person (or persons) who is perpetually in love and out of love; one day their partner is the best thing in the world, the next day they are bored, picking fights, or worse cheating on that person. You can sense super singledom, a guy/girl who is just dressed too carefully, hair too perfectly done, nails, brand new shoes, brand new clothes and a particular attitude about them where you get the distinct sense they would be unfriendly but inside they are most likely insecure.
I have boiled it down to a defense mechanism. If you are insecure about yourself and your life, you turn inward and put up walls to defend from anyone seeing who you really are. You surround yourself with so much stuff, clothes, attitude, ‘cool friends’, cars, jewelry, etc. supporting the walls you have created in your mind.
This leads to perfectionism and superficiality.
But what better way to never let anyone get close to you? There is always an excuse, “he/she is not good enough, nobody is good enough,” or “she/he doesn’t fit in with my crowd, they are not _____ (cool, pretty, wealthy) enough.”
Let me say, I am not advocating that you settle (what a horrible word, generally only used by super singles after a long string of horrible relationships) but you need to be open to yourself and to others. You never know when the perfect person will fall in your lap and you have to know yourself well enough to identify them.
General Profile of a Super Single:
– Superficial, has no specific passionate hobbies but may engage in things that are fun to tell others or make them look cooler than they are (rock climbing, yoga, weight lifting) Not that those are bad, but be wary of people who emphasize or drop hobbies that they think will elicit a specific reaction from you.
– Date people primarily based on superficial factors such as looks or arm candy factor. Generally this is where two super singles (infants in ability to date) get together, think they have found something special, realize they can’t keep up their fronts, get scared they know each other too well and break up.
– Date people generally considered losers or assholes. This is more common for women because they know a specific guy who has been around their friends and treated them badly (but of course, this time is different, he really loves me, hahaha) OR he has already cheated on someone they know. Very bad sign. Remember… if he cheats to be with you, the relationship is doomed.
– Dating a bitch or princess. The loser paradigm for men. Once you pull back the curtains there is nothing left at the core. But she is so pretty you can’t leave her. If she lists her hobbies as shopping, tanning and hanging out with my friends then you need to make sure that there is a good chance of connection, common interests, common life goals, etc. She could be a lovely girl and lots of girls like shopping, but make sure there is a good connection.
Breaking Up
This is where things get interesting. Since the super single doesn’t want anyone to get close to them they start to pick fights or do other things to put off the partner. They subconciously sabotage the relationship until both sides drift apart, one might be more into it than another so they will plead, beg and go to stupid lengths to keep the other around. But the petty fighting will continue until a major breach of trust or some other unforgivable thing (seemingly out of their hands of course…) happens. Back and forth and back and forth, they think the love of their life is lost.
Little do they know that this person is not for them and they would be better off learning from their mistakes, agreeing that they need to move on and continuing to develop their relationship skills (and themselves!). But general, this will solidify their walls even further because they don’t reflect on it or grow from the experience, they learn to use the saying “I can’t find a good guy/girl” as their mantra as they develop such a tough skin they will never truly love.
Unfortunately, once they get to a point they will stay single, or they will make the ultimate poor choice, marrying someone they secretly know isn’t the one just because of the need to be with somebody. So needless to say, the marriage will become a larger form of their failed relationships ultimately leading to divorce which could have been avoided if they simply had developed their relationship skills (or tuned their pickers as Patti Stanger, star of Millionaire Matchmaker often says).
Tips and Tricks
I am no expert, but simply learn from your past relationships, compare life goals, develop yourself mentally, have interests and beliefs. You must develop yourself to a point where you have the confidence that you are valuable, that you are a good mate and that you have a future that doesn’t need anyone in it. At that point you can meet someone who will work well with you and who you will want to spend lots of time with. If you have doubts, seriously think about them, but make sure the doubts are not founded in insecurity or boredom, often bad decisions are made on such thin criteria. If the person is not good for you, have the strength to end the relationship (there will always be others) take some time alone and truly focus on being alone, developing yourself, becoming yourself, grow and learn and meet new people. You will be rewarded with someone who (as cheesy as it sounds) is perfect and who you just know is the one.
And once you have found that person, develop together, learn together, tune your relationship together. You both need to grow together by discussing things, being open and really communicating. That is the key. Good luck!
If you have something to add please comment, I would appreciate it!
This quote sums it up nicely: